THE TEAM
2006 PROFILES
MIKE ROBERTS
- Mike will hopefully be producing some dazzling cricket this year after a disappointing 2005. With a combination on weight training and going back to basics with Wilf in the garden, his new style should help in powering the ball to the boundary. Mike is sometimes confused with a dead man walking as many people comment on his death-warmed-up appearance on times. I can assure you that this is just a plan as Mike can counter attack with vicious cover drives, and not so vicious pull shots which occasionally (all the time) get him out. Armed to the teeth with accurate sporting knowledge like the winner of the 1973 Capri Horse Racing Classic, this man will continue to dazzle with his expertise for the day when he gets out cheaply, providing ample opportunity to show off his vast database of sporting nonsense. I think he's going to play with a 'slightly open face' this year, so we'll soon see if this technical element will prove successful.
JORDAN COLES
- This young heart-throb is going to be crucial this season if we can prise him away from the dance floor on a Friday night. To say this boy has broken some female hearts would be to say that David Coulthard has got a square jaw, because quite simply it's all true. Jordan will dazzle with his chat-up lines, come home late from every pub or club and even then take the pitch for rugby or football and put in a man-of-the-match performance. Fancies himself does this lad, and spends a lot of time flexing his pecks in the summer taking over Andrew Bond's role of 'Chocolate Boy!' He produced a brilliant knock against Carmarthen last season and showed what he's capable of. There's also the battle to be won with his brother, because John is breathing down his neck to become the second best sportsman in the family behind Raymond Coles Esq. Jordan will be high in the order this year, so it's vital that this run machine fire in the right way, and produce more big knocks for the club.
CHRIS SHOPLAND
- The Shopmeister General is looking for a much better season after facing bowlers that kept getting him out last year - cheeky beggars!! It's a happy home life as well....very happy...very....err wait a minute (aside) 'will you shut that beeping thing up I'm doing the player profiles for Christ's sake) Where was I....Yes, Chris will be looking to improve on his form and will probably be a touch higher this year in the batting line-up. It has also been rumoured that Friday nights will be staying in nights, so that he can see the ball at cover coming towards him this year. He still maintains that the trees played a contributing factor to such catches being missed. What have trees ever done for us!?! Shoppy will also be looking to improve the pitch at the Welfare after constantly moaning about the fact that it's crap. The averages speak for themselves - Chris's scorebook revealed that away games average for Saturday and Sunday games was 99 and a touch (he bats like Don Bradman) and his home average was 3.7 (he bats like Don King). Consistency is the key, and a good season is expected.
MATHEW FLYNN
- Or 'gay boy' as he is known. There are various reasons why this tag has stuck with Mathew and after surveying the evidence you'll come to the same conclusion - that Mathew is indeed a bit 'How's your father?'.
Exhibit 1 - After seeing one of the batsmen get hit in the head last season, Mathew soon had the yips. 'I err, don't fancy going in next' was the legendary remark.
Exhibit 2 - One a few of the cricketers asked him to join them for a few pints his response was - 'I'm going up my Grans for some lunch.' Oh dear, just a tremor on the cool o' meter.
Exhibit 3 - He wears pink. Not just now and again, or even most of the time, but ALL of the time.
Exhibit 4 - 'Math this is a vital game, we haven't got our front line bowlers and we need a big spell of you...can you do it?' was the rousing battle cry of the captain.....after 3 overs this was the response - 'it's hot, so hot skip, I'll have to come off. I'm wrecked.'
Unbelievable, this boy is unbelievable. He did produce some good moments last season though, and batting higher this year a lot is expected in all disciplines of the game, there is no doubt that he has the capacity to be a leading run scorer this campaign.
STEPHEN MANNING
- This lad is possible the worlds most laziest lay about alive. In one of the most ironic job placements of all time, he has a job in the Sports Centre...telling others how to exercise!! His long suffering Pa Grayser Mannering keeps on harping about his attitude and his lazy bones groans. Anything is too much for him...he once stop breathing totally because he couldn't be bothered. Steve nevertheless looks good in nets this year with the bat, hitting it extremely hard. And his bowling is definitely of the zippier side. If he can get his attitude together more, and wants to actually play cricket instead of just turning up then he will become a very good player. Steve has ventured down many roads, one such road is that of band member. He is the guitarist for 'Chicks with Dicks' or something like that, and has a small following of groupies who worship the bat he plays with. Mr. Manning will have to step up to the plate this year if he is to reach his potential.
RICHARD WILLIAMS
- PC Plod himself lurched up to his first net, and was eager to take down people's particulars from the off. He arrested Mike on suspicion of having a personality , and also wasn't happy with the exhaust width on Greg Manning's boy racer car. Richard, as always, will be a massive member of the side this year even if he is to miss a few games. His bowling is crucial, and I feel that this may be the year he gets hold of a few bowlers. He is very content with life after settling down with Miss Tredegar, who also comes equipped with handcuffs. Some people get it all! Richard has also grown up a lot so the rumour is, with his new quite man attitude, how long that will last around the rowdy boys of Hirwaun who knows. Richard has also won Community Mr. Policeman of the Year, after supplying schools with approximately 5000 book tokens in a promotion after buying a years supply of Energy Bars, because he plays for Rhigos see!
JASON CASTALDI
- The man with a plan! Or the man from Modplan!?! Whatever! Jason has new fire in his belly after giving birth to a beautiful 'man thing' who is already around 10 stone. Give him another 6 months and his son will be in the firsts. Looking to improve in various areas, notably through the covers, midwicket, behind point, in front of the wicket and anywhere in between JC will go back to his old technique after a certain Keith somebody or other (rhymes with Kewell) tore his technique down and gave him the power of a dead knat. He's always going on about 'bat speed boys' and 'look at the power boys' but alas, he was void of any strength after his new game made him technically correct. A lovely high left elbow, which was practically over his head and so high that the bowler thought he was playing in a charity match with the unfortunate. He has also lost weight around his stomach but has put some weight on his belly! The man never works too, and this lounging about the house has given him ample time to work things out, so look out you pesky bowlers.
GREG MANNING
- The boy racer is back in town. And he is armed with a new and improved Tattoo too of Tatu. He's got big exhausts, big spoilers, big stereos and a big engine, obviously making up for something small somewhere. He, like his brother, hits a very hard ball, and will probably end up behind bars by 2012. He auditioned for 'The Fast and Furious Go Faster than the Other Bloke Cos I'm Wicked Fast' movie, starring Rosie O' Donnell and David Hasselhoff. But he got turned down, because his car broke the world 'Smash my car into a Wall' record and the insurance became sky high. Greg is also one for the ladeez, picking them up from corners and such, and using such lines as 'Hiya gorgeous.....fancy feeling my sub-woofer?'. Particularly harsh against bowlers who class themselves as the spin type, Greg will have to calm down only a touch to get consistent high scores.
JOHN COLES
- 'Ahhhhh wooooooooo' was the cry after John was born to a Wolf-like creature from the North. Some say John originated back to Victorian times, others say his form took shape after years of rampaging battles with bears in woods. John came of age a bit last year with some very timely knocks, and some balls which bounced. The workload this year is likely to be greater, and his batting will have to be consistent if we are to post scores which will trouble the opposition. John is a bit of a party animal, likes a lager or two, and loves a bit of a sing-song. On the Rams tour he apparently sung all night, one hit after another. I wouldn't know because I wasn't there, and I don't even like orange. After years of working on his bowling with the master, Raymond Van Colesaveld, John now knows exactly what to do...and that's wait for the main bowlers to take all the wickets. His fielding can be described as exuberant. John storms in, looks professional, crouches or something...and then the ball goes through his legs for four. One of the lads at the club, John will hopefully have one of his most successful seasons this year.
ANDREW WILLIAMS
- Who needs gloves when you can just miss the ball completely? Our resident wicket keeper is back in action with a vengeance this year ready and eager to smash across the line. Last year one of the opposition batsman played a shot, stumbled forward, fell out of his crease, filled in his tax return, formulated a new theory of relativity, read the Lord of the Rings trilogy twice, saw his at-the-time unborn daughter give birth to triplets and celebrated their golden anniversary and still had time to get back into his crease. The 'Cat; as he is known, or was that someone shouting 'You're Cat!' from the boundary. Andrew will have to continue to do a fine job through those hot summer days, and a few runs would be a massive help this year. Mr. Williams is one of the clubs relics, and will continue to show more woodworm as the years go on!
REUBEN MORGAN
- Together with the 'Sonic Boom', the 'Blue Thing' must be one of the most devastating moves in Street Fighter history. Reuben is a dad again as the Hirwaun baby-boom continues. Is he going to pitch the ball up this year? Is he going to make a couple of number 3 appearances? Is he going to mesmerise people with his skills even if they are wearing dark blue in nets and he can't see the ball because it's red? All these questions need answers. Reuben looks to be playing more positively but in a more compact technical way this year, which can only be a good thing. A few handy runs down the order together with a good few bursts early doors is what is needed from him, and if he can get the ball to wobble a bit on the harder tracks, Ruby should have a good season. One of the Glyn crowd, Reuben will bring his own brand of humour to proceedings.
2005 PROFILES
MIKE ROBERTS - Right Hand Opening Batsman, Leg Break Bowler
'Special' Opening Batsmen, who should stick to his cover-drive and leave the hard mid-wicket shots well out of his reportoire. Still manages to bamboozle the batsmen with what can only be described as 'the balls which bounce'.
If you were to describe Mike in just one word, you would have to call him lucky, jammy and the person who gets on your tits from the side. If Steve was the Son of God, then Mike must surely be the nephew that God loved nearly as much. To this day this talented player, who could surely have gone on to play for South Llanelli Firsts (alongside 'The Legend' Lee Jenkins and 'The Other Legend' Phil Williams had he chose to enrich his cricketing experience), continues to leave team-mates amazed as he raises his bat for a not-so chanceless ton. Roberts sets the standard for 'making the most of it if you're dropped', showing complete disdain to the fielders who drop even the simplest of slow lobbies. This 2005 season promises to be an exciting one for him as he aims to test out his new bat - which Jason had - and his new mobile phone - which Jason has got. You could even say that Roberts has re-modelled himself on the 'Pinch Hitter' Castaldi as he wants to show a no-nonsense approach and hit the ground running. Roberts will probably have to score...........a hell of a lot of runs if this shambles wants to win the league by a record points score!
GARETH 'THE TOY' TAY - Right Hand Opening Batsmen.
Often stuck in the invisible concrete that plagues the Welfare ground, he does strike a hard ball, usually on or around the 39th over after well and truly playing himself in.
Gareth is a wonderful talent, John Tay once wrote in the Crucible. But not many others are impressed by this often swashbuckling but more often than not, not-swashbuckling player. Tay will aim to keep the board ticking this season as he drops anchor and plays another innings for the team on his way to a nice little 50 not out every match. This kind of selfless act can only be repaid by our sponsor Carlsberg at the end of the season, as they vote him 'Probably the best grinder in the world'. Tay will have to use all his nouse as he farms the bowling, and scatters the field. Although he does bat like a scarecrow on times. People don't know if he is going to make a remarkable drinking comeback this season after it was revealed that he has been faking his problems because of the shame of the curtains conspiracy theories. Often seen driving his tractor at a zomping 5mph, and leaving a trail of niceties along the road for other cars to squelch into, Tay is nevertheless distracted from the farmer’s main objective....to get on the nerves of virtually everybody. One of the richest men in the land thanks to another season of non-productivity on the farm and the farmers’ saviour the CAP, he’ll have plenty of coins to get the rounds in.
CHRIS SHOPLAND - Right Hand Middle Order Batsman.
Shopland now possesses all the shots required to still get out for low scores. On his day (usually on a leap year), he can dominate an attack, as the 'Skipper' aims to keep the shower up for a season.
Shopland has been installed as Captain this year, because all of the older players just can't be arsed to get fined for a slow over rate and shout things like 'Fridge well bowled, and Matthew warm up'. Some say it's the best move since the Moonwalk, whilst others liken it to a bad day in Baghdad. Shopland is going to have to rejuvenate his troops as Richard will look bored at third man for the most part, Roberts will have has hands anywhere but in a catching cup formation, and Flynny and Manning will just show a total lack of interest as one will be missing a Cardiff Birthday Bash involving a young girl named Chastity, and the other will have one eye on the clock as the 'Big Gig' at the Shot and Shell looms closer. It will be a tough task, but if anyone can do it, it won't be him! The biggest and most frightening task will be the after game talk to the umpires, which is never a pretty affair as there is almost always one reference to the Great Match they umpired back in the summer of '69, involving ten leg before decisions.
JORDAN COLES - Right Hand Batsmen, Right Arm Medium Bowler
The 'Second Best Youngster' in the Valley will bolster the teams batting immeasurably this season , as he aims to plunder runs in Division Three.
Jordan has been a bit of a coup this season stolen from the clutches of Aberdare. He was in contemplation of whether to see the light, on the phone to the skipper, but when Shopland uttered the immortal words ‘Ystalyfera Away’, Jordan came to his senses and immediately put pen to paper. Technically excellent, Jordan will be a key player in dictating proceedings and will add the necessary class that a very good team requires. Armed with numerous encouraging sayings, including the time old ‘Join the dots Aber’, the Coles boy will fit in nicely. He’ll also have the pleasure on playing on one of the surfaces of the century. Voted number one in the ‘Pitch most likely to get a team all out for 17’ category by Allotments Monthly magazine, the Welfare will truly be the making of the young lad. Jordan I hope your technique is pie hot, it will have to be on this cabbage patch.
RICAHRD ‘FRIDGEY’ WILLIAMS - Right Hand Pies, Right Hand Hits Pies (very far)
‘Hello, hello, hello’, what have we got ere then....the answer is not a lot. The resident opening bowler and the resident big hitter is keen to impress the scouts this year.
The Refrigerator will undoubtedly want to use his Police coercion skills to control Hirwaun’s rabble when on away trips for this coming season. Having already had minor roles in ‘Dempsey and Makepeace’ and ‘Bergerac’, it was obvious that Richard would take up a career with the force. With his Sheriffs badge and his shiny helmet, Williams will ensure that nobody messes around in the Glan, whilst also getting the boys' taxis to anywhere they want in case they misbehave. This copper will take down your particulars in no time, so watch out you baddies. Fridgey is undecided yet as to whether to use his truncheon to bat with, as we hear it’s had good reports from the boys in the station that the middle has been found on numerous occasions...frequently outside the ‘Lamb and Slag’ and ‘The Shoothole’ pubs where he enforces. Fridge will have to weigh in with some big scores this season if we want to pass a score in the region of 400 to have a chance of winning a game. And his balls will have to take something called ‘wickets’, a phrase that apparently means you get the batsmen out, something which has mystified some of the players.
STEVEN MANNING - Right Hand Batsman, Right Arm Medium Fast Bowler
Young Manning is a powerful hitter when he decides that if you move your limbs a bit the ball can go further.
Often seen with sleeping pills in one hand and a glass of whisky from the previous nights jamming session in the other, this mad rebel can party with the best of them. Manning now works, in one of the most ironic job placements ever, at The Sobell Sports Centre showing people how to exercise. Stephen almost finished a sentence last year when he said ‘How is tha......’ before falling asleep on the umpires rather comfortable shoes. There’s more life in a tramp’s vest to be honest, but young Manning should be geared by the prospect of wearing a helmet around other people who wear helmets. Not our boys of course, because we’re hard...but the fairy teams that we’re going to play. Voted ‘The Player who is most likely to get caught at deep mid-off, even when the bowler blatantly puts the fielder back a bit for the purpose of a fairly easy catch’, for a record third year on the trot last season, Manning must curb some of his shots if he is to produce more consistently. A big season is needed of him, and the expectations from a couple of good knocks from last year will mean that Steve will have to get some big ones for Hirwaun to do well.
NICKY THOMAS - Left Handed Batsmen, Left Arm Something or Other
Thommo is the sides Ace in the Pack. Flamboyant and dashing when he gets going, he’s recorded a number of good scores including 4,478 on the Glan’s video game Super Street Tough Man Warrior 6.
Nicky Thomas has been likened to David Gower, although he hasn’t got silver hair, and doesn’t present cricket on Sky, and hasn’t played for England, and doesn’t caress the ball around the park, he does have some letters in his name that are similar to the maestro. Nicky Tommo is going to be a crucial player this year and the side are hoping that he can weigh in with some consistent scores to bolster the middle order and to achieve competitive totals. Often dominating at whim when he takes control of the game, he nevertheless adopts the ‘Boot and Nudge’ policy early doors. He is the only player to score four off a padded straight drive shot against Pontyberem, and holds the record for the most ‘Aaaargghs’ in an innings. Thomas will aim to once again own the Judges dance-floor regardless of who is there or why they are there. He will also be on hand to over first hand advice to the Skipper, with such astute quips like ‘Fridge’s wrecked again’, and ‘I’d ask Matthew to pitch it up’ as the ball gets pulled skywards into the adjacent field.
JASON CASTALDI - Right Handed Batsman, Right Arm Dibbles.
The Italian Stallion is determined to make his mark this season, knowing that he is in his prime. More Sachin Tendulkar than Mike Atherton, and more Stephen Hawking than both of them, Castaldi will want to wield his magic blade to great effect this year.
It’s a big year for the Italian Jason (pronounced Yasson in his home town), as indeed to God he has put on more weight. But don’t be fooled by the Gatting-esque shape, this boy has rated himself as one of the fittest players in both teams. Endeavouring to become the team's primary all-rounder, Jason will need to use all of his experience to blunt these Division Three pansy boys. A uniquely crafted new technique will be his ultimate tool, as a number of more correct shots have entered his reportoire. He still wants to keep some of his aggressive stuff for the Rams games though he’s told me, as he is keen to get one over ‘that farmer boy’ who bowled him neck and crop last year and who plays for Brecon Youth Fourth XI. Always looking positive, Jason is truly a sight to behold as he marches to the crease and fearlessly takes guard. On occasions this is as good as it gets, but this season he is intent to get ten balls under his belt. Again this season will have to bring the best out of him, as like many of the middle order players, it’s crucial he starts making big scores if good totals are to be reached. And his new technique will mean for the first time in a long time, he’s playing the ball on its merits.
MATTHEW FLYNN - Right Hand Midweek Rabble, Right Arm Short Stuff
The Flying Flynne will be revelling the chance to bounce out some Division Three batsmen, as he aims to add to some decent scores last season with some crucial accurate bowling.
Matthew Flynn came from Aberdare with a grandiose ceremony. An open-top bus, confetti and blasting music, and the entire population of Hirwaun clapping and cheering him. And has this young sensation delivered.....as he hell. Almost as lazy as young Manning, Matthew can barely be arsed to breath let alone make it to the Sophia Gardens bar for some tipple. Matthew’s explosive all action bowling style is a joy to behold, but sometimes the batsmen is in an all-action explosive mood as well and the ball goes to all parts. Constantly given abuse from the slip courdon ‘to pitch the bloody thing up’ Matthew nevertheless enjoys taking clumps out of the middle of the Welfare strip testing for any short length movement off worms/divots/a bouncy part. When he does take a wicket and the courdon run over to him shouting at him that ‘bowling full works’ he utters the words that have been immortalized by Little Britain - ‘Yeah I know’. This then drives the rest of the team wild with uncontrollable rage, as it becomes obvious that he’s just doing this to rile the other players up! Matthew is going to have to have a very good season, and a lot is expected this year with both bat and ball.
ANDREW WILLIAMS - Right Hand Wanger (easy!), Stands behind the stumps with Gloves on.
This wily performer will have you gasping in delight as he vows to put the opposition into the next field. He’ll never die wondering, and connects with a few when in.
Andrew’s Back, Back Again! Our wicket keeper is once again taking his place in the first team, after a series of injuries curtailed his 2004 season. Either that or he was playing far too much snooker and darts in Glyn-Neath. The tournament crowd favourite, Andrew feels only the need to smash the ball into crowds of drunken people instead of nudging it here and there for ones and twos. The oldest member of our side, Williams has received all the perks for being an elderly statesman. Bupa eye care, the free bus tickets back and forth Bingo, and a bat which is double the size of anyone else’s in conjunction with the South Wales Cricket League ‘Be fair to the old’ year. It’s same old same old, as he will have to put together a few nice knocks in the latter parts of the game and will need to encourage consistently as the slip courdon falls asleep during fielding because they’ve had their knock and just want to go home. Looking forward to a bash at the big time, Andrew is determined to give it his best this year.
REUBEN MORGAN - Right Arm Swing Bowler, Right Hand Dasher
Reuben’s can bowl some superb stuff when he gets in the groove, and a lot is expected of him this year as a big workload will be the order of the day.
Yes we’ve finally spelt his name right after years of trying. Refusing to change it by deed poll, we had no other option to each practice writing his name down so we would perfect it. Some failed at the first because we didn’t have any crayons, but that’s another matter. Reubens can be deadly on green tracks and overcast conditions and needs to find some early season form to be a threat. Reubens often goes in spurts, but when he gets it right he’s a wicket taker against the best of them. Another lad originating from Glyn-Neath, Mr.Morgan is often seen organising events over the loudspeaker, which is often quieter than his normal voice. Bubbly and enthusiastic it is important that he takes over the mantle of a Mr. G. Hawkes as our on the spot swing bowler. Enjoys the game thoroughly, his enthusiasm is infectious as he chirps about ‘rabbits in the hutches’ and so on, although sadly this season he’ll have to drop the ‘come on killer’ slogan, which had us all in stitches the first time he used it.
2004 PROFILES
MIKE ROBERTS - Right Hand Opening Batsman, Leg Break Bowler
Attacking strokeplayer, who favours the signature cover-drive shot. Has been a prolific run scorer and buys wickets with his bowling
Roberts often longingly drifts into a dream of what could have been. A child prodigy, he was table tennis and chess champion in his university. Playing for Glamorgan at youth level he threw it all away for the lucrative rough and tumble world of computer programmer, and the jury's still out as to if it was the right choice. Roberts is the prize wicket of the opposition much to the disgust of Hirwauns 2, 3 and 4, who are sick and tired of listening to the opposition skipper shouting 'the game's over now' as Roberts walks forlornly and bandy legged toward the pavilion to be grilled by Wilf. He has however scored hundreds of runs. The 2005 season promises something extra as Shifty uses a personalised bat, which can be found in all good retail shops. His bowling is friendly, but he continues to bamboozle the batsman with his short and wide un, which often puts the life of the cover fieldsmen in great jeopardy. His reactions are also slowing, and soon he'll need a wheely bin to snaffle up the edges. But still the key player.
GARETH TAY - Right Hand Opening Batsman
Steady pace setter who accelerates through the innings. Booming drives when in, form the basis of his technique
Tay is one of the most naturally gifted batsmen when he plays in the Rhigos Sports Hall. He is dynamic, exciting and cuts a dashing figure creaming the bowlers around. He once reached 50 off 19 balls, a Rhigos record. When it comes to the actual game though, he's a little more cautious. Although he has improved immensely over the years and has firmly cemented his spot, or is that Tay is firmly cemented to the spot, anyway Tay still likes the steady start as he glazes lovingly at the board ticking from 19 to 20 off 13 overs. Tay occupies the slip courdon, whereby he offers good humour to those who cannot field in proper positions and do some running. He is in short, a stalwart of the team. Hailing from Ystradfellte, UK, his drinking career has been cruely cut short. Some argue it was cut short at 16, but that's another story. His use of the curtains and general pub terrain to hide his beer was legendary, and although his ticker may not be tip-top, he always gives the bowlers the heave-ho.
CHRIS SHOPLAND - Right Hand Top Order Batsman
Moderately attacking style, who has combined the cover drive with his favourite leg side drives
Having won the Player of the Year award a few years back, Shopland has battled through that dodgy period of a youngsters career, the tricky couple of seasons after the success. It has been said that success went to his head, as he lived up a rock and roll Cardiff lifestyle playing pool and visiting the Kebab Palace on a consistent basis. If the openers are out cheap, there isn't a basis to build an innings, and if the openers pile on the runs then there's pressure to score quickly - such is the lot of the number three. A master of midweek awards, for the uncanny ability to maintain not outs and good scores, Shopland has recently been put under pressure by Fridgey's suggestions to open the bat face, close the bat face, change the stance, stand taller, stand shorter and everything in betwen; eventually going back to what he started with. A really good player on his day, he still needs to be more consistent for the team to reach bigger scores. Shopland has also learned to deal with a thorn in his side, namely the Fridgey factor. Helped enormously by the introduction of Bondy to the side, all abuse is now deflected to him. Andrew, I salute thee.
NICKY THOMAS - Left Hand Middle Order Batsman, Slow Left Arm
Aggressive nature, who likes to cut and drive. When in form a great player to watch
Hirwaun's answer to David Gower. The left handed maestro is great to watch in full flow, and has recently come into good form. When he gets going his strokeplay is fluent and he can dominate bowling at whim. Thomo's main problem is the bit between his ears, often needing to be pushed to play. If he can re-establish a liking for the game then he will be a key player in whether or not we can go up. Never better than after a few beers, Thomo is one of the few players that can dominate Hirwaun bowlers when under the influence. Many of us try too hard and get out to friends and colleagues, but Thomo seems to revel in planting teammates 'over the trees' on his way to a retiring score of 25 in tournaments. The Hirwaun romeo has mesmeric dancing skills often winning the hearts of the disco crowd. Pints and bottles may crash to the floor, and many blokes' pints may spill, but Thomo's style akin to Saturday Night Fever's very own John Travolta ensures the men feel inadequate to start a fight with him.
RICHARD 'DICK' WILLIAMS - Right Hand Batsman, Right Arm Mediun-Fast
Has curbed his aggressive nature with a sound defence. Hits the ball miles and hard. Quick on conducive tracks, his wickets come from late cut
Arguably Hirwaun's most important player. His bowling can be demonic and in higher leagues he would get more wickets by virtue of the batsmen getting closer to the ball and getting more edges. He is not as fit these days as he enters old age, often cutting a lurching figure at fine leg after another over with the wind and the hill. Constantly mouthing off about something or another his ability to get searing pace is undenibale on times, although he was once smashed to all parts by that legend across the border, Mike Scarf. If it was a boxing match, Fridge would have been stopped as Scarfy pulled him for three consecutive fours. The Fridge plays rugby, which is arguable due to his long list of injuries. Williams is one of those rare characters that has everything wrong with him once. Beckham thought he invented the metatasil; wrong. Fridge picked that up in 1997 in an away game against Severn Sisters. Fridgey must really concentrate on his batting if we are to progress as a side though. Some of his knocks are unbelievable. He particularly thrives on the shite bowling of mid-weekers. But if he could average 30 odd which he is more than capable of, then he could also be Hirwaun's best batsman.
PAUL PARKMAN - Right Hand Middle Order Batsman
The Thorpe of the side. Works the ball primarily to leg side for quick singles, but also likes the drive
Ageless, just ageless. The ever present Parkman has been the brunt of many an argument. Some say he dated back to the world war....no not the second, the first. At home he has an age generator which he uses daily in his quest for the ever life. He has recently purchased tickets for the 3002 World Cup such his confidence in his anti-ageing cream. One of the club old pro's he is consistent in his selection and always gives 100%. But recently there seems more to him than just that. Consistently getting out to lbw's, some of which have been dubious, he nevertheless has to work on that. But his genuine disappointment at getting out, and his revival in the midweek league suggests that perhaps he still has more to offer the first eleven. He is a vital buffer in the middle order that simply has to come off for us to post decent scores. His running between the wickets is quick and he always gets up the oppositions nose. He spends his fielding time wiling away the hours with the umpire of the day, but his sharpness of the fines ensures he is never caught talking too long. There's more to come from him and he must play a crucial part if we are going to progress a division.
MATHEW FLYNN - Right Hand Batsman, Right Arm Medium
Favours cutting and pulling, he is also a good medium and sometimes medium fast all action bowler
Prised away from the clutches of the Dark Side, this young Jedi was right in steering clear of Aberdare. In his early years his midweek contributions were excellent. Under the guise of Steve 'Rambo' Roberts, he flourished with both bat and ball, but recently has found it difficult to live up to the expectations of being an excellent all round cricketer. In spells his bowling is aggressive and often unplayable. In other spells, notably on the slower greener tracks, he looks more comfortable for the opposition. In the last game against Drefach he was far too hot for their batsmen to handle when the batsmen were well set too. And Mathew needs to start making the scores he can so easily get, contributing regular fifties. It's encouraging in a way because he is undoubtedly good now, with improvement he could be really good. He has fitted into the side extremely well as expected and seems to get on with all the lads, most of which he knew through midweek anyway. Likened to Stan Laurel, Flynnney is never far without his watchful pappa guiding him through the days play, the great cat himself Martin Flynne Esq. Described as a 'lazy good for nothing' by his loving parent, Flynney is nevertheless the sparkle in Martin's eye.
ANDREW BOND, 007 - Right Hand Batsman, Right Arm Medium
Great technique to look at, when in form hits a hard drive. Also looks to sweep if runs are hard to come by and bowls with leg cut
Bondy has two great looking sisters, but that's another story. Bondy has really shocked Hirwaun's personnel lately. I've met his parents, and they are normal. I've shared a beer with Chris Bond and he knows nothing of Eminem, P Diddy, Jamelia, R Kelly, and the rest of them. But Bondy seems convinced that he is a black rapper from either westside or eastside. His attire is, quite daring. Armed with the Craaaiiigg David teapot hat, the dangling gold Frank off Eastenders chains, the basketball t-shirt, the three quarter shorts and the latest 'sneakers', he is one muther hubbard. For the upcoming season, Bondy needs to focus more and believe more especially with his batting. His technique looks fabulous, but it's the runs in the book that count and he must weigh in with some decent scores. His bowling is good but he must learn to bowl line and length continually however boring. His attitude is something which splits the team down the middle; I for one love it. He plays hard and gets frustrated if things don't go his way. Occasionally he must control himself more, especially with regards to arguing with Fridge.... you'll never win Andrew. Hirwaun are expecting a lot of both Andrew and Matthew this year, it's vital they perform.
JASON CASTALDI - Right Hand Middle Order Batsman
Aggressive or moderate depends what's asked of him. Straight driving is the key to success here
Since he came to these humble shores in a little boat fleeing persecution from troubled Sicily, the Castaldi's have been a problem. They have taken our homes, our local jobs and now they are taking the Jayne Middlemiss. Quite how Castaldi has commanded a first team place is something of a mystery. I had to go through midweek, training with Steve Roberts, Hirwaun Seconds, then the Firsts, whilst this wise guy has maintained a regular first team spot. Capiche. Friends with Tay, it's easy to see the powerful Ystradfellte influence in the selection process. Castaldi's fielding is exceptional, priding himself on taking some remarkable catches in the gully region. He has a determination to throw the ball to, and he's not happy unless he is content with his plan of 'putting the bowler in the trees'. It rarely happens, but hey my mother still does the lottery so as long as he's happy God bless him. Mad for a laugh, he is quite often the centre of the party and goes through numerous emotions when under the influence. He loves the game, he hates the game, he wants to open, he doesn't want to play and all before the trip to McDonald's for some 9pm grub. Batting with him for the Rams, it's evident he can score runs. He needs to just get a game together and stick with it. Then he'll score runs. If he chops and changes it will be difficult to establish a pattern and establish his own personal strengths.
STEPHEN MANNING - Right Hand Top Order Batsman
A wonderful back foot technique on good pitches, he plays the back foot drive to perfection. Also likes driving over the top.
An invaluable addition to the club, Stephen will bolster the batting. Right handed and aggressive he looks to take the opposition on straight away, which may be costly on damp pitches but should pay dividends on good tracks. Stephen has grown up a lot from when most of us remember him. He will blend into the team nicely I'm sure of that, if we make the effort to accept him. Constantly wearing a blue helemt due to a go-cart accident when he was eight there is one thing the team must know. His fielding is atrocious. Lobbies, flyers, edges, skiers he'll drop them all akin to England's David James. Backed by the slightly off the wall Graham Manning, he will nevertheless be crucial to getting big scores. He will be battling against his old teammates of Hill's Plymouth this year too, something that will noteworthy.
ANDREW WILLIAMS - Right Hand Lower Order Batsman, Wicket Keeper
Developed a sound defence, and looks to play the slog sweep when on the pads
The resident wicket keeper. Andrew is a very good wickie who does little wrong with the gloves season in, season out. If anybody is in doubt as to Andrew's love for the game, let me tell you that he is desperate for us to get to division three when he stated as much after an all day drinking session after the Glyn-Neath tourny. Speaking of which, he is never more at ease with himself than in the coliseum of warriors, the aformentioned Glyn-Neath tournament. His sweep sixes are something of folk-lore as he year in year out batters the barbie gazebo. I've also witnessed some of the best run outs between him and Hawkesy that I'm ever likely to see. Andrew's batting on Saturdays is improving and because he is down the order never fully gets the chance to shine. But if he keeps playing the vital role of getting together those 15-30's, they make all the differnece to winning and losing games. On hard tracks he is dangerous, but struggles with the damp early season pitches like most in the side. But with more concentration, he will find the run scoring touch again.
GARETH HAWKES - Right Hand Lower Order Batsman, Right Arm Medium
A dinker for ones and two's early in the innings, he also enjoys slog sweeping once in
Come on Hawkesy, good stuff Hawkeye or as Rubens once put it 'smashing killer' are just some of the chants from his adoring fan club. Hawkesy is the rogue element in the team consistently trying to get smashed at all occasions; away games, home games, tournaments and in winter time after footie he loves a pint of beer. That's not to say he's a good drinker, oh no. Constantly walking around night clubs at 9:30 pleading with Nigel to pick him up, he often paces himself incorrectly. Drunk by 2:30 last tournament, he found himself glaring at an exotic dancer at a well to do Glyn Neath establishment. He too, like his Glyn Neath brother Andrew, possess the mighty swish slog. Must be in the water. Hawkesy tirelessly runs up the hill, into the wind, and delivers that consistently on the button ball over, after over, after over, after zzzzZZZZZ. He is consistently outstanding, gives nothing away and must be a captain's pleasure. I'm not quite sure how batsmen don't score off him, I've never faced him so I wouldn't know. But he must be doing something because at 26 mph (18 mph if wind against) the lobbies seem unplayable. Although he can score valuable runs his role at the bottom of the order means he does a conciliatory job if (or more to the point when) the middle order collapse. Must keep playing, must keep enjoying it.
IAN BOULTON - Left Hand Lower Order Batsman
Pusher of one's and two's, who enjoys cover driving and working the ball
Resembling the comic Lee Evans, Billy Boulton has been a breath of fresh air to the side. In the past, during the course of a hammering the team would avoid such words like slaughtered, drubbing and the very technical 'we're useless', but these words are uttered by Billy if we underperform. He is the teams conscience. Left handed and an able performer, Billy has instilled the Munchkin sense of humour back into the side, always looking for wise-cracks and put-downs. His ritualistic training routine is something out of Mr. Motivator. Before the game he paces, does a little sprint, stretches his muscles...and then sits down with The Daily Sport in eagerness for teatime. Something of a rugby player, his drinking capacity is amazing, well its not really. Like Hawkesy, he often mistimes his sprint finish and gets hammered hours before the end to which he then rings his partner at the time to rescue him from sleeping in an alley!
STEVE 'SPINWICK' HAVARD - Right Hand Middle Order Batsman, 'Friendly' Off Break Bowler
Technically adept, Steve has combined a number of power strikes combined with his trademark cover-drive
Steve was fresh off the Rambo Roberts production line and was, to say the least, wet behind the years. After numerous setbacks at the hands of the Midweek Bowling vultures, Steve tried to perfect a technique that has now been described as 'a pleasure to the eye', and 'a thoroughly good mix of elegance and twatting', by Cricketers Weekly. However, a major setback in the early part of the Millenium ensured that Steve was taken from us, and was lured away to 'find himself' through education and drink. He regularly did find himself...on the beaches of Swansea at 2.30am, and on the train 4 hours away from his intended destination after some ill-timed shut-eye. At last the spin twins can now be revived, as Shifty and Steve compete to see who's bowling would go over the trees the furthest. However, another disaster struck a few years back, as Tosswick contracted 'dartitis', a very rare condition that strikes the bowler with the inability to pitch the ball anywhere in the batsmans half. After visiting the psychologist - his sister (settle down boys!) - the way forward was simple...more confidence. And what better way to instill yourself with confidence than to start seeing THE American IT-Girl, Molly Marie, who appeared twice in Sex and the City and an episode of Friends. With their 'high fives' partnership, and the constant quipping of 'don't even go there girl-friend' and 'like...whatever', Steve has now become a full blown American bad-ass, waiting to hit some rubbish out of the ball park for a home run. God Bless America!
GARETH 'HOWSA' HOWELLS - Right Hand Top Order Batsman, Occasional Slow Bowler
Stocky youngster with potential, compact and faultless in defence, with shot selction being the key for future success
Gareth Howells! Where do we start? An extremely likeable lad, who won't win many Mensa Challenges! He is a big lad for his age, and it's just a matter of time before he grows into his body and can fully use those things that sprout from the body shell. 'Come on Arms and Legs', 'Get the ball in R2D2', and 'I've seen the QE2 turn quicker', are quotes attributed to this boy. In fairness, particularly this season, he has shown a lot more shape on running between the wickets, and his defence is strong. He is also now choosing his shots more carefully, and is on the cusp of being a regular first team player. Howsa was recently being observed by David Bellamy, who thinks that he is indeed a rare species. 'Sometime in the next three years' he whispered hoarsely, 'this creature will shed his skin', and then the real Gareth Howells will emerge. Some say he's actually a three foot martian pulling pieces of metal and string from inside the body...but time will tell. Howells is starting to show some promise, with some good seconds scores and with games under his belt he will only get better. Howells will fall for anything - 'look your shoe laces are undone' followed by a flick to the nose, Knock-Knock jokes, including the Doctor one ('yes I know, but Doctor Who?!?, 'forget it Gar') and any other thing that requires lateral thinking, horizontal thinking, or thinking in general! It's going to be an important few seasons for him to establish himself, but he's well on the way to being recognised.
REUBEN MORGAN - Right Hand Lower Order Batsman, Right Arm Medium
When pitched up can be a real handful with his away swing, especially on early season tracks. Can score some quick runs at the death too
Certainly bringing atmospherics to proceedings, Reubens prides himself on being committed to the cause. From the merry band of travellers, the Glyn-Neath posse, Rubins is a face to face cricketer who tackles the challenges head on. BUT I stress, only after his magic rollies that give him gummy bear juice like powers! The most revealing aspect of Reubens, is his 'Fridgey Quiz Knowledge'. The Quizmaster, aka 'How the hell am I teacher Williams', asks difficult sporting questions of the day, to which Reubens covers nearly all bases. He knows the Coventry player that scored the clubs 5th goal of the season in 1975, and the Horse that finished joint 15th in the Barry White Challenge Trophy at the Jersey Horsey Festival. Reubens bowls really well particularly early in the season and his swingers and cutters are tricky even for the well set batsman. Looking forward to the Glyn-Neath tourneys, Reubens will be right at home with his swashbuckling style of aggressive no-nonsense batting approach. |
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